JPod

"Here's my theory about meetings and life: the three things you can't fake are erections, competence and creativity."

"Remember how, back in 1990, if you used a cellphone in public you looked like a total asshole? We're all assholes now."

"Gore is nature's way of saying, "There are too many human beings on the planet, and I'm trying to rectify this any way I can. SARS didn't work, but trust me, I'm cooking up something better. In the interim, please kill lots of yourselves."

"You know what the best thing is about the end of the day? Tomorrow, it starts all over again."

"Hasn't it been a long time since you had a flying dream?"

"I think computers ought to have a key called I'M DRUNK, and when you push it, it prevents you from sending email for twelve hours.

I've got another one: a key called FUCK OFF. You press it every time your computer does something annoying -- in turn this would somehow force your computer to experience pain. And if you pushed SHIFT/FUCK OFF, you'd end up with FUCK OFF AND DIE, the computer equivalent of a razor being raked across your nipples."

"The only way to the top is killing and greed. Okay, I’m kidding. But killing helps."

"Kaitlin said, "I'm so sick of that 'Greatest Generation' crap. We finally drove a silver nail through the heart of Generation X, only to have this new monster rear its head. And I'm soooooo sick of Tom Hanks looking earnest all the time. They should make a Tom Hanks movie where Tom kills off Greatest Generation figureheads one by one."

Bree arrived on cue: "And then he starts killing other generations. He becomes this supernova of hate--all he wants to do is destroy."

"Hate clings to him like a rich, lathery shampoo. His lungs secrete it like anthrax foam."

Mom lost it. "Stop it! All of you! Tom Hanks is a fine actor who would never hurt anybody. At least not onscreen."

I thought, 'Hey, didn't Tom Hanks mow down half of Chicago in "Road to Perdition?"' Well, whatever."