Simon Rich Quotes

• “I still remember the day I got my first calculator
  
  Teacher: All right, children, welcome to fourth grade math. Everyone take a calculator out of the bin.
  Me: What are these?
  Teacher: From now on we'll be using calculators.
  Me: What do these things do?
  Teacher: Simple operations, like multiplication and division.
  Me: You mean this device just...does them? By itself?
  Teacher: Yes. You enter in the problem and press equal.
  Me: You...you knew about this machine all along, didn't you? This whole time, while we were going through this...this charade with the pencils and the line paper and the stupid multiplication tables!...I'm sorry for shouting...It's just...I'm a little blown away.
  Teacher: Okay, everyone, today we're going to go over some word problems.
  Me: What the hell else do you have back there? A magical pen that writes book reports by itself? Some kind of automatic social studies worksheet that...that fills itself out? What the hell is going on?
  Teacher: If a farmer farms five acres of land a day--
  Me: So that's it, then. The past three years have been a total farce. All this time I've been thinking, "Well, this is pretty hard and frustrating but I guess these are useful skills to have." Meanwhile, there was a whole bin of these things in your desk. We could have jumped straight to graphing. Unless, of course, there's some kind of graphing calculator!
  Teacher: There is. You get one in ninth grade.
  Me: Is this...Am I on TV? Is this a prank show?
  Teacher: No.”

  Simon Rich

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• “God: Check out this human I designed.
  Angel: Wow, that looks pretty incredible. How does it work?
  God: It's pretty complicated. Point to something and I'll tell you what it does.
  Angel: Okay. What are these?
  God: Teeth. They're for chewing up food.
  Angel: How come there are so many of them?
  God: I threw in, like, three or four extra. If they don't like them, they can pll them out somehow, I guess.
  Angel: What about this weird bag thing?
  God: That's the appendix.
  Angel: What does it do?
  God: It explodes.
  Angel: Really? That's all?
  God: Pretty much.
  Angel: What causes that to happen?
  God: It just happens randomly. Like you'll just be walking down the street or driving a car and boom.
  Angel: Geez...that's terrifying. Does it kill the person?
  God: (shrugs) Sometimes.”

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• “There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.”

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• “I know the odds are against us. I know she’s a siren. I know she’s eaten people. I know she’s five thousand years older than me. But I really like her.”

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• “Before OkCupid profiles became mandated by the Galactic Government, the only way to find a mate was to self-induce brain-damage and beg strangers for sex in public. The fact that anyone ever achieved sexual congress during these dark times is a remarkable testament to man's will to survive.”

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• “The trick to surviving with low funds is to not have such high standards.”

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• “You cannot murder interns, but other than that, they are the same as mules. You can rob them, abuse them, debase them. There are no limits. When a man agrees to be intern, he is saying, “I am no longer human being with rights, I am like dog or monkey. Use me for labor until my body breaks and then consume all of my meats.” I”

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• “Was it still a miracle if someone had to suffer?”

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• “Marathon In 490 B.C., a Greek messenger named Pheidippides ran twenty-six miles, from Marathon to Athens, to bring the senate news of a battle. He died from exhaustion, but his memory lives on thanks to the “marathon,” a twenty-six-mile footrace named in his honor. I thought it would be neat to bring Pheidippides to a modern-day marathon and talk to him about his awesome legacy.   ME: So, Pheidippides: What was it like to run the first “marathon”? PHEIDIPPIDES: It was the worst experience of my life. ME: How did it come about? PHEIDIPPIDES: My general gave the order. I begged him, “Please, don’t make me do this.” But he hardened his heart and told me, “You must.” And so I ran the distance, and it caused my death. ME: How did you feel when you finally reached your destination? PHEIDIPPIDES: I was already on the brink of death when I entered the senate hall. I could actually feel my life slipping away. So I recited my simple message, and then, with my final breath, I prayed to the gods that no human being, be he Greek or Persian, would ever again have to experience so horrible an ordeal. ME: Hey, here come the runners! Wooooh! PHEIDIPPIDES: Who are these people? Where are they going? ME: From one end of New York to the other. It’s a twenty-six-mile distance. Sound familiar? PHEIDIPPIDES: What message do they carry…and to whom? ME: Oh, they’re not messengers. PHEIDIPPIDES: But then…who has forced them to do this? ME: No one. It’s like, you know, a way of testing yourself. PHEIDIPPIDES: But surely, a general or king has said to them, “You must do this. Do this or you will be killed.” ME: No, they just signed up. Hey, look at that old guy with the beard! Pretty inspiring, huh? Still shuffling around after all these years. PHEIDIPPIDES: We must rescue that man. We must save his life. ME: Oh, he knows what he’s doing. He probably runs this thing every year. PHEIDIPPIDES: Is he…under a curse? ME: No.”

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• “I spend long, long time in shoe box.”

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• “It’s not just about Jen,” he said. “It’s about the entire romantic system. Ninety-nine percent of men are in love with the top one percent of women. And yet they often refuse to date us. It’s a complete injustice.”

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• “Dreams were invented by Angels to test out their beta programs.”

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• “There were a lot of fun things to do in heaven. But none were as thrilling as what you could do on Earth.”

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• “Otto could be extremely convincing. During our sophomore year, he’d persuaded me to boycott McDonald’s, even though they’d recently brought back the McRib.”

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• “I still believe that change is possible. With enough hard work and organization, there’s no reason activists can’t stop genocide, achieve nuclear disarmament, eradicate poverty, or end all human wars. But when it comes to the stuff that really matters, the stuff that really counts? There’s nothing you can do.”

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• “Well, that’s splendid!” Mr. Goat said. “As long as we preserve our friendship—that’s the important thing.” “Yes!” Olivia said. “Exactly!” There was a pause. “Can I kiss you?” Mr. Goat said. Olivia groaned. “I just want to be friends,” she said firmly. “That’s all.” “I”

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• “Before OkCupid profiles became mandated by the Galactic Government, the only way to find a mate was to self-induce brain damage and beg strangers for sex in public. The fact that anyone ever achieved sexual congress during these dark times is a remarkable testament to man’s will to survive.”

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• “Not much is known about pre-Internet courtship rituals. But presumably, if a twentieth-century male was in need of sexual release, he had no choice but to physically approach a female and, without any kind of warning, begin speaking to her. Needless to say, this must have been a highly upsetting experience for everyone involved. In order to mitigate the horror of the situation, primitive humans relied on a poison known as beer (figure 1) to damage their brains to the point of near unconsciousness.”

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• “Maybe Artist is hard job. It is not for me to say. But I would be surprised if it was as hard a job as Rock Thrower. Throwing rocks is not so easy. For example, five years ago, one of my shoulders detached from my arm when I was throwing a boulder off a cliff. And two years after that, the other shoulder detached also. I can still throw rocks. But now, when I throw them, I am screaming. Not just once in a while, but constantly. Every time I throw a rock I am screaming, so loud. I do not always realize I am screaming—it is just part of my life. Usually, by sundown, I have no voice left. It is gone, you understand, because I was screaming so much from the pain of throwing rocks. Another thing is that sometimes I fall off the cliff, which is a bad situation.”

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• “God liked eggs in the morning. It didn’t really matter which kind. Poached, fried, scrambled. Sometimes he had them bring him what he called a bird’s nest: a piece of toast with an egg stuck in the middle.”

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• “Craig leapt spryly out of the way. He was in a good mood. He’d just received an e-mail from Angel Resources informing him that he’d clinched another Angel of the Month award. The prize was pretty good this time: a coupon for a medium pizza of his choice. There was some fine print on the back of the coupon: deep-dish pies cost extra, he couldn’t order more than three meat toppings, and the offer expired in fifteen days.”

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• “According to Aristophanes, there were originally 3 sexes. The children of the moon, who were half male and half female. The children of the sun, who were fully male, and the children of the earth, who were fully female. Everyone had four arms, four legs, and two heads, and spent their days in blissful contentment.
  
  Zeus became jealous of the humans joy, so he decided to split them all in two. Aristophanes called this punishment "The Origin of Love", because ever since the children of the earth, moon, and sun have been searching the globe in a desperate bid to find their other halves.
  Aristophanes' story though isn't complete, because there was also a fourth sex, the children of the dirt. Unlike the other three sexes, the children of the dirt consisted of just one half. Some were male and some were female, and each had just two arms, two legs, and one head. The children of the dirt found the children of the earth, moon, and sun to be completely insufferable. Whenever they saw a two-headed creature walking by, talking to itself in baby talk voices, it made them want to vomit. They hated going to parties. When there was no way to get out of one they simply sat in the corner, too bitter and depressed to talk to anyone. The children of the dirt were so miserable that they invented wine and art to dull their pain. It helped a little, but not really. When Zeus went on his rampage, he decided to leave the children of the dirt alone. "They're already fucked" he explained.
  Happy gay couples descend from the children of the sun. Happy lesbian couples descend from the children of the earth. And happy straight couples descend from the children of the moon. But the vast majority of humans are descendants of children of the dirt, and no matter how long they search the earth they'll never find what they're looking for. Because there's nobody for them, not anybody in the world.”

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• “Almost everything in this inbox is expired. Look.” She handed him a yellowed scrap of paper from the bottom of the pile. Dear God: Please get me tickets to C+C Music Factory. Tania Banks, March 3, 1991”

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• “It takes him long time, but eventually Simon is able to explain. A computer is a magical box that provides endless pleasure for free. Simon is used to constant access to this box—a never-ending flow of pleasures. When the box stops working—or even just briefly slows down—he becomes so enraged that he curses our God, the one who gave”

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• “Saw you by the Dumpster, eating a pile of what appeared to be human vomit. You seemed like someone who doesn’t take himself too seriously. Not sure if you’re male or female, but either way I’d love to smell your genitals. Let me know if you’re intrigued.”

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