Lori Gottlieb Quotes

• “We can’t have change without loss, which is why so often people say they want change but nonetheless stay exactly the same.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “We tend to think that the future happens later, but we're creating it in our minds every day. When the present falls apart, so does the future we had associated with it. And having the future taken away is the mother of all plot twists.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “But part of getting to know yourself is to unknow yourself—to let go of the limiting stories you’ve told yourself about who you are so that you aren’t trapped by them, so you can live your life and not the story you’ve been telling yourself about your life.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “There’s no hierarchy of pain. Suffering shouldn’t be ranked, because pain is not a contest.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Relationships in life don't really end, even if you never see the person again. Every person you've been close to lives on somewhere inside you. Your past lovers, your parents, your friends, people both alive and dead (symbolically or literally)--all of them evoke memories, conscious or not.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Follow your envy - it shows you what you want.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “peace. it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Above all, I didn't want to fall into the trap that Buddhists call idiot compassion - an apt phrase, given John's worldview. In idiot compassion, you avoid rocking the boat to spare people's feelings, even though the boat needs rocking and your compassion ends up being more harmful than your honesty. People do this with teenagers, spouses, addicts, even themselves. Its opposite is wise compassion, which means caring about the person but also giving him or her a loving truth bomb when needed.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “You can have compassion without forgiving. There are many ways to move on, and pretending to feel a certain way isn’t one of them.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “It’s impossible to get to know people deeply and not come to like them.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “The inability to say no is largely about approval-seeking—people imagine that if they say no, they won’t be loved by others. The inability to say yes, however—to intimacy, a job opportunity, an alcohol program—is more about lack of trust in oneself. Will I mess this up? Will this turn out badly? Isn’t it safer to stay where I am?”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Don’t judge your feelings; notice them. Use them as your map. Don’t be afraid of the truth.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Anger is the go-to feeling for most people because it’s outward-directed—angrily blaming others can feel deliciously sanctimonious. But often it’s only the tip of the iceberg, and if you look beneath the surface, you’ll glimpse submerged feelings you either weren’t aware of or didn’t want to show: fear, helplessness, envy, loneliness, insecurity. And if you can tolerate these deeper feelings long enough to understand them and listen to what they’re telling you, you’ll not only manage your anger in more productive ways, you also won’t be so angry all the time.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “If the queen had balls, she’d be the king.” If you go through life picking and choosing, if you don’t recognize that “the perfect is the enemy of the good,” you may deprive yourself of joy.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Avoidance is a simple way of coping by not having to cope.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “The opposite of depression isn’t happiness, but vitality.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “But many people come to therapy seeking closure. Help me not to feel. What they eventually discover is that you can’t mute one emotion without muting the others. You want to mute the pain? You’ll also mute the joy.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “In therapy we aim for self-compassion (Am I human?) versus self-esteem (a judgment: Am I good or bad?).”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Most big transformations come about from the hundreds of tiny, almost imperceptible, steps we take along the way.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “In the best goodbyes, there’s always the feeling that there’s something more to say.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “People often mistake numbness for nothingness, but numbness isn’t the absence of feelings; it’s a response to being overwhelmed by too many feelings.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Happiness (t) = w0+ w1  γt−jCRj+ w2  γt−jEVj+ w3  γt−jRPEj Which all boils down to: Happiness equals reality minus expectations.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “Just because she sends you guilt doesn’t mean you have to accept delivery.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “When I look at my friend's marriages, with their routine day-to-dayness, they actually seem far more romantic than any dating relationship might be. Dating seems romantic, but for the most part it's an extended audition. Marriage seems boring, but for the most part it's a state of comfort and acceptance. Dating is about grand romantic gestures that mean little over the long-term. Marriage is about small acts of kindness that bond you over a lifetime. It's quietly romantic. He makes her tea. She goes to the doctor appointment with him. They listen to each other's daily trivia. They put up with each other's quirks. They're there for each other.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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• “What people don’t like to think about is that you can do everything right—in life or in a treatment protocol—and still get the short end of the stick.”

  Lori Gottlieb

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