Jeb Kinnison Quotes
“Perhaps nothing is as disheartening as the discovery—after years of trying to escape from your dysfunctional childhood—that you have actually managed to recreate it. One woman, the daughter of a hypercritical and demanding mother, recently talked with me about her recently-ended, two-decades-long marriage: "I still have issues with feeling capable and doing things right. Unfortunately, I married my mother and was never able to feel competent in my husband’s eyes, either. I also never really felt loved by him, in the same way I didn’t feel loved by my mother.”
“avoidant people’s sexual behavior may be focused selfishly on their own needs in combination with dismissal of or blindness to a partner’s sexual wishes. Avoidance also, paradoxically, may promote sexual promiscuity powered by insecurity, narcissism, or a wish to elevate one’s self-image or standing in the estimation of one’s peers. This kind of self-promotion through sexual conquest can occur in the absence of intense sexual interest and without much enjoyment of sex per se.”
“The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again55.”
“Since they are reinforcing each other's view of others, neither will get any more secure with time; the Dismissive will accuse their partner of being clingy or needy, while the Preoccupied will accuse their partner of being too distant and uncaring. They are fulfilling each other's basic need to have a partner, but the partnership will always be troubled by their complementary insecurities. Yet it is more likely to be stable than a Preoccupied-Preoccupied partnership.”
“person who (wrongly) expects everyone to do him wrong is blind to the real allies he has in the world, while a person who thinks he is capable of far more than he actually is (and blames everyone else for his problems) will make bad decisions in the real world. A realistic level of self-esteem, accompanied by the skills of empathy and honest communication, is ideal.”
“Avoidants and the Anxious-Preoccupied are in a sense complementary: the Preoccupied values relationships too highly and thinks about them too much, while the Avoidant (especially the Dismissive) devalues relationships and tends not to be too concerned about them. If the Preoccupied were a bit more secure they’d be able to dial back the attention to their relationships to a healthier level that would make them happier and more successful, while if the Dismissive could only surface those attachment feelings lurking in his subconscious and value his relationships more consciously, he would also be happier and more successful.”
“It's important to note both partners are capable of adjusting their communication styles to make their relationship more satisfying to both; while it is harder for the Dismissive, who often don't see a reason to change, they can learn to respond reassuringly more often. Discussion of the problem can help, especially if the Anxious-Preoccupied partner learns to rely more on inner assurance and reduce the rate and insistence of messages requesting reassurance.”
“Kirkpatrick and Hazan’s (1994) findings for avoidant individuals suggested, in contrast, they these people were ready to exit a close relationship as soon as they experienced relationship distress. They were the most likely of the three attachment “types” (assessed in that study with a categorical self-report measure) to report no longer being involved with a partner 4 years later.48 Avoidant individuals are especially likely to be dissatisfied with their relationships (when they are in them) and”
“It is not unusual for an avoidant to deny their current partner affection and sex while at the same time chasing after outside sexual partners and pursuing secretive sex lives away from home. But if they’re not in a relationship, they will typically be more interested in sex that will not draw them into the intimacy of a real relationship.”
- Born: in The United States.
- Description: Jeb Kinnison grew up in the Midwest, studied computer and cognitive science at MIT, and wrote programs modeling the behavior of simulated stock traders and the population dynamics of economic agents. He went on to do supercomputer research at a think tank that developed parts of the early Internet (where the engineer who decided on ‘@‘ as the separator for email addresses worked down the hall.) Since then he has had several careers—real estate, financial advising, and counselling.