Quotes by George Carlin

"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."

"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!"

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."


Books by George Carlin

  • Brain Droppings
  • 17,013 ratings
  • April 22nd 1998 by Hachette Books

    (first published January 1st 1997)

  • Napalm & Silly Putty
  • 15,964 ratings
  • April 10th 2002 by Hachette Books

    (first published April 24th 2001)

  • Last Words
  • 14,095 ratings
  • November 10th 2009 by Free Press

    (first published January 1st 2009)

George Carlin
  • George Carlin

  • Date of birth: May 12, 1937
  • Died: June 22, 2008
  • Born: in New York, New York, The United States.

  • Description: George Denis Patrick Carlin was a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and philosopher.

    Carlin was especially noted for his political and black humor and his observations on language, psychology, and religion along with many taboo subjects. Carlin and his "Seven Dirty Words" comedy routine were central to the 1978 U.S. Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a narrow 5-4 decision by the justices affirmed the government's right to regulate Carlin's act on the public airwaves.

    Carlin's mid-2000s stand-up routines focused on the flaws in modern-day America. He often took on contemporary political issues in the United States and satirized the excesses of American culture.

    A disciple of Lenny Bruce, he placed second on the Comedy Central cable television network list of the 10 greatest stand-up comedians, ahead of Bruce and behind Richard Pryor. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era, and was also the first person to host Saturday Night Live.