Eugene Mirman Quotes
“Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.”
“High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.”
“Throughout our history, humanity has been plagued with questions, and also plagued with regular plagues. I don't know much about biology, so I can't speak to actual plagues. However, I can answer all kinds of questions: moral, ethical, job-related, child rearing, party etiquette, romantic, technological, stuff about boobs, and my three faves: How do I have sex with someone and not talk to them again?, Can you hit a kid for a very, very good reason?, and of course How do you get a self-righteous asshole to shut the fuck up, even if they're right?”
“Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let them direct your interaction on their terms, do it on yours. Ask a Misdirection Question--something too difficult to answer quickly--e.g., 'What's Congress up to?' or 'You ever learn any cool science?' When you ask the question, don't make eye contact, keep moving and get out of there. Do not wait for a response and deny ever asking it. Repeat these actions until you are never again spoken to by that individual (about four times).”
“A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).”
“Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.”
- Description: Eugene Mirman is a New York City based comedian, writer and actor. He has appeared in his own half-hour special on Comedy Central, in a recurring role on HBO's Flight of the Conchords, on Conan O'Brien and Carson Daly, MTV, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Home Movies, Lucy, Daughter of the Devil and in the new Adult Swim live action series Delocated. He's released two comedy albums: The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman (voted Best of 2004 by Time Out and The Onion) and En Garde, Society! Mirman tours the US regularly with countless comedians and has also appeared with bands such as Yo La Tengo, Modest Mouse, The Shins, Cake, and Tegan and Sara."