Brandon Varnell Quotes
“Even I know that there are some places a man just isn’t meant to go, and that chick with the katana is one of them. Like the no-man’s land found in the center of the battlefield, the katana babe’s tittielicious body is a place no man can get close to without suffering a horrible death. I’ve seen it! One cannot grasp those heavenly mountains unless they want to get dumped in a ditch and watch helplessly as their life bleeds out of their broken bodies.”
“Wasn’t that the threat she used on him?” Andrew whispered to his brother.
“It was indeed.”
“Perverts beware! You’re in for a scare!”
“Dang it, Eric! Get down from there!”
“Those two are going to be our entertainment tonight, meow,” the man said, his grin stretching from ear to ear. “They have so graciously volunteered themselves, and so it would be rude not to accept their offer, meow. You may kill the boy, but bring the girl to me alive. You know how much I love to entertain the ladies, meow.” Kevin was not one for swearing. However, in that moment, only one phrase came to mind that he believed could adequately describe what he felt just then. “Fuck me sideways.” Despite their situation, Iris’s eyes gleamed. “With pleasure.” “Quiet, you!” “Tch!”
“Where is the information that you stole from us?” Commander Paine asked again. “Fuck you,” Justin spat. “Insolent shit.” Justin felt bile rise in his throat when Commander Paine slammed a knee into his stomach. His head snapped back, teeth clacking together, when, after doubling over, he received a swift uppercut to the underside of his jaw. Everything grew blurry. He tried to focus, but he couldn’t seem to regain his sensibilities. “I’ll ask one more time, where is the information that you stole from us?” Justin struggled to reply. “I… I gave it to… your mom… after fucking her.” The last thing Justin saw was a boot traveling for his face.”
“Kevin muttered, doing what he could to regain his wits, what little he had. “So, you guys are Lilian’s family, then?” “No. We’re Lilian’s fairy godparents.” Iris’ sarcastic reply was met with a glare from Lilian and Kevin. “Y-yes, we’re Lilian’s family,” Camellia tried to play the diplomat. “The girl with black hair is Camellia’s daughter, Iris, and the person next to Camellia is Camellia’s maid, Kirihime.” “Uh huh…” Kevin eyed the kitsune strangely. “And I’m guessing that makes you Camellia?” “H-hawa?” Camellia seemed startled. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Lucky guess,” Kevin said, his voice dryer than a desert. Lilian and Iris facepalmed at the same time.”
“Eric looked down at the wand in his hand. Was he really supposed to talk to this thing? That was the dumbest thing he’d ever heard. What kind of idiot talks to a stick? I beg your pardon, young man, but I am not a stick. “It talks,” Eric mumbled in disbelief. Of course, I can talk. What kind of magical wand do you take me for? “Holy shit, this thing talks!” Shrieking like a little girl, Eric tossed the wand, which flew into the wall and landed on the ground. Ow… the wand groaned in complaint.”
“I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU BROKE MY PUPPET STRINGS, BUT PRINCESS GABRIELLE IS MINE!!” a voice boomed loud enough to make Alex’s ears bleed. Alex held a hand to his ears. “Why the hell are you yelling?!” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY AM I YELLING?! I’M NOT—OH, WAIT. I HAVE THE VOLUME SET ON HIGH.” There was a moment of silence, and then… “That’s better. Sorry about that. I always forget to adjust the volume on this thing.” A cough. “Now, then. I will not let you marry Princess Gabrielle! She is mine!”
“I’m fine!” Christine snapped before calming herself. “I wanted to―I needed―I, ah, um… what I mean is… I-want-your-babies!” A stiff breeze blew through the now silent clearing. A tumbleweed rolled between Kevin and Christine. Kevin tracked the tumbleweed until it rolled out of sight, and then turned back to Christine. Um, what?” Kevin looked dumbfounded. “Ne,” Iris leaned into Lilian’s ear again, “what’s up with tsun-tsun over there? She looks like an ice cube.” “Just wait for it,” Lilian whispered back. “Um, Christine, can you repeat that?” Kevin rubbed the back of his head. “I didn’t quite catch that?” It took Christine exactly 2.6 seconds to register her own words. It took another 2.6 seconds to comprehend them. Exactly six seconds after that, Christine’s face exploded with color as steam poured out of her ears. Tsundere protocols: activated. “Y-y-y-you… how dare you, ya damn beast!” Kevin’s eyes widened fractionally. “What—Gu!” He then received a brutal headbutt to the face, which sent him sprawling to the ground. “Y-y-you stupid, IDIOT!” “Holy crap!”
“Because I worked that day, I did not go home after parting ways with Fay. I went straight to the library. I entered the front door, my gaze sweeping around the first floor. There were several men and women sitting at the tables, a book in front of them. I couldn’t tell what they were reading from this distance. However, while some of them looked engrossed in their books, a number of others were quietly conversing as they glanced at the door. They seemed disappointed that the person who entered was me. Ms. Nadine was sitting behind the counter. She looked up as I walked over, her eyes giving me a once-over as she raised a single eyebrow. “Who are you?” she asked. “Ha ha. That’s a good joke,” I said in a dry voice. “Maybe you should consider changing your career from librarian to jester.” “I am sorry,” Ms Nadine said slowly. “However, I don’t know anyone who has such a dry wit or wears such pompous looking clothes. Could you be at the wrong library?”
“Now, then, raise your wand above your head and repeat after me,” Lilian said. Lindsay raised her wand high above her head. “I am the one who has been given a mission.” I can’t believe I’m doing this. “I am… the one who has been given a mission.” “Under the contract, release those powers unto me.” “Under… under the contract, release those powers unto me.” “The powers of love, friendship, and yuri.” This is so embarrassing. “The powers of love, friendship, and yuri. Wait. What’s yuri?” “Moon Prism Power: Activate!” “Moon Prism—wait a minute! You stole that last line from Sailor Moon!” “So? Every other line was stolen from Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha—except that one about love, friendship, and yuri. That one was mine,” Lilian said, her chest puffing up with pride. “Don’t look so proud of yourself!” Lindsay spat. “Ufufufu.” “Stop laughing!”
“INTRUDERS! WE HAVE INTRUDERS! SOUND THE ALARM! SOUND THE—” Bang! Iris, Phoebe, and the others remained silent as the Shaolin monk kitsune went down, steam rising from his head. They stared for several seconds, and then looked at Kevin, or, more specifically, the gun in his hand, which was pointed at the now unconscious fox-man. “What?” Kevin asked. “You just shot him,” Iris pointed out. “Thank you, Captain Obvious.” Kevin’s voice was so rank with sarcasm that the word sarcasm didn’t really do it justice. “Please, feel free to point out something else. Maybe something that I don’t already know.” Iris frowned at him. “Okay, then, how about this? You just shot your gun, and it was really loud. I’m pretty sure everyone in the entire palace heard it.” As if her words held prophetic powers, the sound of rushing feet echoed down the hall. The sound of running was followed by shouting. “I think I heard something this way!” “Do you think it’s intruders?!” “Could be!” “Let’s check it out!” “Oh, hell.” Kevin felt like facepalming.”
“Eric?” “Yes?” “If your phone was in your pocket, then what’s that in your hand?” A short, yet awkward silence ensued— “There he is! That’s the pervert who stole my underwear!” —At least, it did until a horde of girls ran up and one of them pointed at Eric before shouting. “Uh-oh.” Eric leapt from his seat. “Here, hold these.” He shoved what he’d been holding into Lindsay’s hands and then bolted. “GET BACK HERE, YOU DAMN PERVERT!” “YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!” Eric shouted back at the girls. Unfortunately, because he had turned his head to do so, he wasn’t watching where he was going and tripped over a chair. The girls used that opportunity to swarm him like hungry piranhas. Soon, the perverted young man’s screams filled the air. Throughout it all, Lindsay sat there, blinking as she looked down at the item in her hands. It was an article of clothing. To be more precise, it was a pair of panties. She stared at the white lace garment in her hands, trying to resist the temptation. Don’t do it, Lindsay. You’re better than this. You’re better than Eric. You don’t want to do this. But she did. She did want to do this. After discreetly looking around to make sure no one was watching her, Lindsay held the panties up to her face and took several deep whiffs. “These… these smell really good,” she mumbled before noticing her audience. Alex and Andrew were gawking at her, their jaws wide enough that a fist could have passed through them, and their eyes the size of hockey pucks. Lindsay blushed and went back to her salad. The rest of lunch was very awkward.”
- Born: in San Diego, The United States.
- Description: Brandon Varnell is a writer. The end.
... Just kidding.
Brandon Varnell is the author of several book series, all of which involve anime-inspired fanservice. Having been an anime nerd for basically his whole life, his books tend to reflect that. He likes writing stories with loads of T&A, shonen-style battle scenes, and steamy romances that are both light-hearted and erotic. He is also a huge fan of harem anime, so most of his books feature harem romances. If that bothers you, you probably shouldn't read his books.
He has written several different book series so far.
A Fox's Love
A Fox's Tail
A Fox's Maid
A Fox's Family
A Fox's Vacation
A Fox's Mate
A Fox's Revenge
A Fox's Rescue
A Fox's Hostility
A Fox's Alliance
A Fox's Mission
A Fox's War
Arcadia's Ignoble Knight:
The Sorceress of Ashtown Parts I & II
The Sorceress' Knight's Tournament Part I & II
The Lich King Part I
A Most Unlikely Hero volumes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7
Catgirl Doctor Vol. 1
Journey of a Betrayed Hero Vol. 1 & 2
The Executioner Series:
Swordsman of the Rift Vol. 1 & 2
WIEDERGEBURT Legend of the Reincarnated Warrior volumes 1, 2, and 3
If you'd like to be constantly updated on anything that he is doing, you can sign up for his mailing list at www.varnell-brandon.com or you can follow him on Twitter (@BrandonBVarnell) or Facebook (@AmericanKitsune).